Week 94: Weeks 1-93.


This Week's Contest was proposed by Jessica Steinhice of Washington, who wins something we cannot describe because it is waaay too tasteless. But for some time we have been watching and admiring Jessica's entries, including many that we have not chosen to publish, and we are confident -- how to put this nicely? -- that she will not be offended. We are confident, in fact, that she will make this the centerpiece of her living room. Anyway, Jessica suggests that you come up with a great answer to any previous Style Invitational contest, an answer you may have thought of after the contest deadline was over. Any previous contest is eligible, even the famous Week 43, in which we asked you to Tell Us What God Looks Like and people were so appalled that no one came up with anything funny and we had to print limericks or something. The first-prize winner gets "Dogs Playing Pool," a masterpiece in genuine velvet, discovered by the unsung hero of this cheesy contest, the Czarina of the Style Invitational, who selflessly has made a science of scouring the back roads of America for you, the reader, in order to find total crap. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 94, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 9. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 91, in which we asked you to supply questions for any of 12 answers we provided.

Fifth Runner-Up -- Answer: Spelling, Punctuation and Gas. Question: What are the first three items on a skywriter's preflight checklist? (Robert E. McCarthy, Clifton, Va.)

Fourth Runner-Up -- Answer: Moses, Jesus and Cool "Disco" Dan. Question: Who is Marion Barry going to need help from to clean up Washington? (Mary K. and Larry T. Phillips, Falls Church)

Third Runner-Up -- Answer: Mrs. Howell, but not Gilligan. Question: What is one way of bowing out of the Mary Ann-Ginger debate? (Paul Kondis, Alexandria)

Second Runner-Up -- Answer: The Kid Who Plays D.J. on "Roseanne". Question: What is the name of the kid who plays D.J. on "Roseanne"? (Allen R. Breon, Columbia; Michael Rosman, Chevy Chase)

First Runner-Up -- Answer: The Kid Who Plays D.J. on "Roseanne." Question: To whom is Robert Shapiro attempting to shift suspicion based on a startling similarity in nicknames? (Greg Pryor, Washington)

And the winner of the Buzz Saw Clock:

Answer: Spelling, Punctuation and Gas. Question: What are three things related to the use of a colon? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Honorable Mentions:

Answer: The Mighty Morphin Power Dentists

What is the only thing the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers are terrified of? (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church)

What toy outsells the Mighty Morphin Power Proctologists? (Mary M. Olson, Springfield)

When the Tooth Fairy went bad, who became her mortal enemy? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Where do Teenage Mutant Ninja CPAs go when they have a cavity? (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington)

What toy plays "All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth," and then belts you in the mouth? (Mary M. Olson, Springfield)

Who, in addition to fighting evil, own a string of apartment buildings in Florida? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Answer: Spelling, Punctuation and Gas.

What are two things that seventh-grade boys fail, and one that they pass? (Susan K. Hill, Roanoke)

What are three things you can't find on the information superhighway? (Don Druker, Rockville)

What was the original name of "Earth, Wind and Fire"? (Preston Williams, Alexandria)

Answer: Moses, Jesus and Cool "Disco" Dan.

Question: Who are three people whose names are written in, or on, stone? (Marnie Reed, Washington?)

Answer: McGoverniks.

Where can you order a Quarter-Pounder with welfare cheese? (Paul Styrene, Olney)

Answer: Pliny the Elder, but not Snoop Doggy Dogg.

Who has been called "The father of Pliny the Younger"? (Allen R. Breon, Columbia)

Who would never have written "Historia Naturalis Mutha Pigg"? (Steve Cohen, Reston)

Proving how unfair life can be, who was killed by poisonous gases? (Preston Williams, Alexandria)

Answer: Marge, O.J. and Alan K.

From most to least, in what order do Simpsons rate on the credibility scale? (Preston Williams, Alexandria)

Who loses a lot, has a lot to lose and lost to Lott? (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Answer: The Kid Who Plays D.J. on "Roseanne."

What child actor has the same high name recognition as the kid who played Lumpy on "Leave It to Beaver"? (Chris Ubik, Gaithersburg)

Which young actor unsuccessfully auditioned for the lead role in "Pinocchio" because the director deemed him to be too wooden? (Margaret Welch, Arlington)

Answer: Those Seven Cigarette Company Executives.

Who were thankful that Congress has a lightning rod on the dome? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Democrats are to Republicans as the Chicago Seven are to what? (Bryan W. Van Norden, Cedar Halls, Iowa)

Answer: It's Not a Pun, It's a Bagel.

What other highly amusing rearrangement can you make out of the letters of the following Washington Post headlines: "I Toast a Bulge in Pants;" "I, Satan, Plotting Abuse"; and, "Blast Out a Giant Penis"? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

What, even when raisin, is not raised? (Paul Kondis, Alexandria)

If sea gulls fly over the sea, what flies over the bay? (Jean Sorenson, Herndon)

Answer: Jack Kent Goldfarb

Who drafted Heath Shul-er? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Answer: Eenie Meenie Miney Moo

What is NOW's approved method of selecting a Miss America? (Chuck Snowdon, Arlington)

What is the latest effort by those pinkos at the Style Invitational to solicit tasteless jokes at the expense of the great state of West Virginia? (Philip Delduke, Bethesda)

Next Week: Plotboilers